directed by Kirk Alex
runtime: 88 mins
A review for Lunch Meat is a review for us all. I’m sure my insights here will echo those of everysoul fortunate enough to have ridden the unshakable homegrown fiend of a ride that is Lunch Meat. Watching it seems to synchronize the viewer into some larger, undefined headcheese consciousness. And with a movie named after cold cuts, would you expect anything less than the completely strange?
The movie begins with a false sense of security. Entitled yuppie teens call eachother scab and fungus as they drive towards a cabin they’ll never reach. It all feels familiar. Someone likes someone and that person likes someone else. Someone forgot the lunch meat, and someone forgot the gas, so the jeep gets pushed to the nearest watering hole. The jeep finds a drink and the teens find a bite to eat. It’s evident that those aren’t any ordinary burgers and they grimace and chew. Grimace and chew. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Lunch Meat (1987)”
directed by Giulio De Santi
runtime: 82 mins
Necessity is the mother of invention. Daenerys Targaryen is the mother of dragons. Judy Garland is the mother of Liza Minnelli.
Okay so I can’t figure out how to begin this review. They say if you just start typing that eventually everything will work itself out. Taeter City is kinda like that? Well it isn’t, but if you keep watching its goofy ass, eventually it will end, so that’s something.
Let me start over. How about this…
Taeter City is a scrumptious vegan’s delight. Eating animals is punishable by death! What’s that you say? Eating criminals is encouraged? All I have to do is drive up to my nearest Taeter Burger and order a buttcheek sandwich with blended cartilage sauce?
directed by Don G. Jackson
runtime: 83 mins
I am a disappointment. Before you attempt to console me, please, just listen to my story.
I had it all planned out, see? I held my horses for the perfect opportunity. I had waited so long to finally see it, and I knew I needed my best mates Jade, Jeremy, and Tim there to enjoy the experience with me. I also needed drinks of course. You can’t forget the drinks when you’re screening an A+ Schlock bomb that would rewire our synapses after it blew our collective minds. This was going to be a great night. We were going to watch Rollergator. Hell. Yes.
Fast forward 83 minutes to me sitting there, in silence, embarrassed and ashamed as the credits rolled. Because that’s when I realized that I showed the wrong movie. What I meant to watch involved women in skimpy clothing turning into reptiles, and then killing other people to turn them into gay zombies! It had been Repligator I meant to watch! Bret McCormick’s erotic sci-fi romp from the same year. Not whatever the shit this was. I had never even actually heard of Rollergator, it had merely incepted its way into my mind like its name was Berenstein Bears. Press [F] to pay respects.
A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
directed by Richard Friedman
runtime: 77 mins
directed by Dmitry Chmelyov
runtime: 62 mins
Toxic Filth Video
This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®
When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?
It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.
Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”
directed by Chuck Handy
runtime: 72 mins
Deep within the annals of YouTube, there is a particular catacomb that when properly navigated grants access to a SOV sci-fi/horror flick that breathes like a sleeping dragon. Its scales of recycled footage and claws of bad tracking primed to unleash a blaze of rambling voiceovers, pulled punches, and regional wit. That dragon is Trashcans of Terror.
A chance meeting between our hero, a man named “Spider” (director Handy), and a disoriented powerlifter named Kathy, begets romance after some light dad-humor flirtation. When Kathy gets angry she turns silver and becomes stronger than an ox on the juice. This is explained later, kinda. After a health bar brawl resulting in $37,500 worth of damage (even though said brawl took place in the alleyway), our two heroes run for it. Kathy goes missing and Spider somehow determines that alien trashcans are to blame. It is never explained how he comes to this conclusion. He simply does, and relays this information to us with the same enthusiasm one would use when telling you they had a ham sandwich for lunch. He enlists the help of his military friend, Velasquez, to help find Kathy and fight an army of trashcans.
Notably missing are any lines about “taking out the trash” or Oscar the Grouch. Continue reading “Schlock Du Jour: Trashcans of Terror (1985)”
Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)”