Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2”

Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)

directed by Dave Jackson
runtime: 101 mins
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There has never really been a moment in my life that I didn’t at least live with a cat. When I was born, my parents already had a half-persian named Yo-Yo. I moved in with my cousins and they had Simba and Dinkers. Then there was Sabrina, Koko, Maxx, London, Cosmo, Eevee, Yuna, Bowser, and finally Bowie and Raimi. I think it’s safe to say I like cats. Still with me?
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This is Bowie. Note how handsome he is.
Dog people tend to be more extroverted and have more friends. Cat people are more likely to be introverts. I’m generalizing, and also pulling this 100% out of my ass, but it sounds good! So I’m definitely lacking in the friends department because of my affinity for cats, and not because I invite people over to watch a movie where a man dresses up as a cat, uses a litterbox, and wears a giant, barbed, cat cock dildo while he murders women.
Ted is a catperson. One word.
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Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)”

“SAM” Reel Review

For the month of July CinemaSlice has chosen to highlight the short sci-fi film “SAM” for the Indy Film Spotlight. Directed by Zac Deering, “SAM” follows a seemingly homeless wanderer, named Doc (Jarret Ross), as he scavengers the outer city for parts of an unknown project he seems to be working on. In an abandoned building he soon finds a stack of cardboard boxes where he discovers a powered down android (James Hudson). After getting the android back online we begin to learn more about Sam and find out he may be more than what he seems.

Zach Deering has been featured before in the Indy Film Spotlight with his film “Nano Addiction” and just like this previous film, “SAM” features the same stunning visual effects. It’s always a treat to see indie filmmakers take such care in making special effects believable with such a low budget. A lot of these films end up looking campy or cheesy, while “SAM” maintains its credibility throughout.

Continue reading ““SAM” Reel Review”

Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)

directed by Richard Friedman

runtime: 77 mins

A Playboy playmate, a Penthouse pet, a man named mom…
This isn’t a riddle, it’s Doom Asylum! Welcome!
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I wonder if they practice safe sex.
I hope you enjoy your stay. While you’re here, make sure to enjoy the whole host of cartoon characters. From yuppie alimony attorneys, to hungover coroners, to all chick noisewave bands (they play the local sewers!), Doom Asylum kicks you in the crotch, spits in your mouth, and then tickles you and takes your laughing as affirmation of enjoyment. Never mind the steady stream of sadness pooling at your feet.
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Wanna date? Looking for some action? Need some company? Got any money?

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)”

Expected NonSense – “Gerald’s Game”

Hey gang, Pete here again to give you my thoughts on the Netflix original Gerald’s Game.

Anyone who knows me is quite aware of my fondness for Stephen King and his works. He his hands down my favorite author. Love him or hate him, one cannot deny his impact on the horror genre both in the literary world and on the silver screen as being substantial. His stories about just any subject on Earth are descriptive, engaging and usually more than relevant.

So it stands to reason that Hollywood would want to capitalize on King’s success.  Many of his works have be translated to the big screen. From The Shining to Carrie to the many television miniseries including Salem’s Lot and the adaptation of my favorite novel of all time, The Stand, there are volumes of King’s works filmed for the unconstant reader. Continue reading “Expected NonSense – “Gerald’s Game””

Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)

directed by Dmitry Chmelyov

runtime: 62 mins

Toxic Filth Video

This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®

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When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?

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It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.

Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”

Reel Review – “Vulpes: Prologue”

Today’s Reel Review is for a horror/thriller film, Vulpes: Prologue, by Benjamin Helmeczi.

Animal abuse is not something that you can get away with a fine or jail sentence.

Trapped in a dark and dingy room filled with various instruments of torture a man is struggling to escape his confines. This is the scene that is set in the opening moments of “Vulpes”, a short horror/thriller written and directed by Benjamin Helmeczi. The man, played by Szabolcs Kelemen, is bloodstained and confused, but we soon come to find that even though he is in this very troubling situation maybe he isn’t so much the victim that he appears to be.

A disturbing take on the idea of “What lengths will I go in order to defend my pets”, this film seems to draw inspiration from revenge action films as well as gory realistic horror. If you are a fan of the “John Wick” and “Saw” franchises, and ever wondered what would it be like if these two cinematic worlds collided, then this film is for you. I also want to mention the great acting of the “villain” in the film, a character named Vulpes played by Ifj Pal Elek. Well done visuals, good acting, and the beginnings of a interesting story are what make this horror short a very intriguing watch.

I also left this short with the strong feeling of wanting more. This story is to strong to be confined to only roughly 8 minutes and I genuinely wanted to find out what happened to characters after the events that take place. I also understand the idea of teasing the viewer and I hope I see more in the future. Some versions of this short I have seen are titled “Vulpes: Prologue“ so I hope this is a sign of a full film coming soon!

4 out of 6 reels.

Expected NonSense – “Solo: A Star Wars Story”

Howdy gang. Your friendly neighborhood Momo Pete Floyd here delivering my review of Solo: A Star Wars Story.

Folks, if you are not up to date on Star Wars in any fashion and for some reason you are going to start your journey to that Galaxy far, far away with this movie, you might not want to ever journey back.

Now I know some purists may not agree with my appraisal, and that’s ok. However, even the most die hard fans will agree, what the film could have been was SO much more than it actually was.

First is the fact that this is essentially two movies. Switching directors mid-stream is never a good thing. It was pointed out to me that knowing this I may have carried that resentment into the theater with me.

Perhaps.

However the film just seemed… Scattered. Like my thoughts about it.

There’s definitely a desire to know more about our favorite characters from the beloved franchise. But is it really necessary? The mystery and allure of Han Solo is a big part of the original film. And it carries into the rest of the series. So by detailing his past, I feel as though part of the magic is taken away. Continue reading “Expected NonSense – “Solo: A Star Wars Story””

“Center City” – Reel Review

CinemaSlice.com’s Indy Film Spotlight for the month of June is the noir short film “Center City”. Directed by August Aguilar and written by Frank Aguilar “Center City” centers around the seemingly simple plot of a woman, played by Jenny Moon, being driven around Philadelphia while having a conversation about the local landmarks with her driver, played by Mike Raymond. After being dropped of at a hotel for awhile and arriving back to the vehicle with a man, played by David Pelella, we begin to find out that this is no innocent tryst and that there are far more sinister motives to this meeting.

Continue reading ““Center City” – Reel Review”

Schlock Du Jour: Trashcans of Terror (1985)

directed by Chuck Handy
runtime: 72 mins

Deep within the annals of YouTube, there is a particular catacomb that when properly navigated grants access to a SOV sci-fi/horror flick that breathes like a sleeping dragon. Its scales of recycled footage and claws of bad tracking primed to unleash a blaze of rambling voiceovers, pulled punches, and regional wit. That dragon is Trashcans of Terror.

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A chance meeting between our hero, a man named “Spider” (director Handy), and a disoriented powerlifter named Kathy, begets romance after some light dad-humor flirtation. When Kathy gets angry she turns silver and becomes stronger than an ox on the juice. This is explained later, kinda.  After a health bar brawl resulting in $37,500 worth of damage (even though said brawl took place in the alleyway), our two heroes run for it. Kathy goes missing and Spider somehow determines that alien trashcans are to blame. It is never explained how he comes to this conclusion. He simply does, and relays this information to us with the same enthusiasm one would use when telling you they had a ham sandwich for lunch. He enlists the help of his military friend, Velasquez, to help find Kathy and fight an army of trashcans.

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An “army” of trashcans.
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Oh shit, I’m surrounded!

Notably missing are any lines about “taking out the trash” or Oscar the Grouch. Continue reading “Schlock Du Jour: Trashcans of Terror (1985)”