It Begins… 1. The Black Room (Movie Review)

Two years ago I found myself steering towards horror movies with spirits or demons in them. It all started with me forcing myself to watch all of the Paranormal Activity movies in order. Paranormal Activity is one of those series you absolutely love, or you hate every last second of. The only middle ground being the first movie maybe the first time we all watched it. It was a challenge for me to say the least as i’m not a big fan of P.O.V./Found Footage movies. Anyways after finishing them I found myself wanting more movies with the same theme so I steered towards Netflix and burned through every ghost/spirit/demon movie I could find. This left my account thinking that these types of movies were literally the only type of horror movie I wanted to watch. It still affects my account suggestions to this day.

This brings us back to the Netflix algorithm and the reviews I’m about to give of my most suggested movies by them. You will start to see a trend in how all of the movies have the same theme. Well, that’s because of two years ago. When I do my reviews I make it a goal to do absolutely no research on what I’m about to watch. It gives a more honest review and I take notes of exactly what goes through my head when it happens. I thought it would be fun to show you exactly what I was thinking by taking notes of it and writing it down for you in a section I will title, “play by play”. This is the beginning. My top 5 suggested horror movies by Netflix.

1. The Black Room (75% Netflix Match)

Netflix description: A couples new dream home morphs into a nightmare after they learn that an evil and lustful spirit resides in thier basement.

Review:

Right out the gate I see Lin Shaye is in this and I am a big fan of Insidious. I will back the Insidious franchise as being one of the better new horror franchises of this decade. She plays Elise Rainier the main protagonist in the Insidious franchise. Later we see another big mention, Natasha Henstridge! Who played Sil in the Species movies (p.s. HR Giger is my man. Alien and Species are what got me into creatures big time!). She is the main protagonist in this and that alone makes you think this is going to be a good movie.

 

WRONG! Wrong on so many levels! I understand that IMDb rates this as comedy/horror. I would just rate this as just hard to watch. The only reason Netflix suggested this movie to me I can guarantee is because of its tags. I don’t like to spoil movies and its hard not to when trying to review this one. That’s because the whole movie is about a incubus trying to pleasure people. The. Whole. Damn. Movie…

There’s really not much to say more than that. Imagine a porn with demons in it. Now imagine that they had to make this porn go from a Adult rating down to a Mature rating. That’s all this movie is. I feel really bad bashing it because the director Rolfe Kanefsky looks to be a new up and comer indie type. This is not how you do a horror comedy if that’s what he was even going for. If anyone knows me, they now that I really appreciate a good horror comedy. It is in fact my favorite thing to watch!

Watching this though was almost unbearable and I had to turn down the volume multiple times because of all the moaning. If this movie doesn’t make your roommates think your odd than you have some pretty tolerable roommates, send em my way lol. As far as the special effects, I don’t want to even get started. I shouldn’t be able to see your lines in your prosthetic pieces. Don’t give me that, “oh, but they had a small budget” bullshit either. Some of the greatest movies had the smallest budgets. They had to get creative with what they had.

The point is if your going to make a horror comedy then take your time. Making things look obviously fake does not make it a comedy. It just makes it a bad movie.

Welcome to the Play by Play

(This is a section I will being doing from now on in my reviews that gives you a peak in to the movie without getting any crazy spoilers. Using my notepad app I speech to text exactly what i’m thinking as i’m watching the movie. A RiffTrax if you will, in text format)

  • I can’t tell if this a horror movie or a horror comedy yet
  • Well, that’s a nipple…
  • It bothers me when you can tell they tried to make something look old when they did their effects and then it just looks like obvious effects
  • This is awkward…
  • buahahaha
  • Sex with a washer… and a dead guy?
  • That just happened.. at least the washer finished lol
  • Yep, glowing symbols on the wall. I would have left right then and there
  • She never cleaned up the soap hahahaha
  • He reminds me of Wishmaster if Wishmaster was a man
  • Yep, more awkward
  • I feel bad for anyone that watched this with their mum
  • So that’s where all the budget went
  • well…
  • I’m proud of myself for finishing this movie

Final Vote

 

and that is being generous. I never in my life thought I would see a 3 way between Natasha, a demon and a washing machine. Congratulations on giving me the chance to know that I have not seen everything.

If your coming of age and want to find that special movie (don’t act like you don’t know what i’m talking about. You know why you watched Carrie and it wasn’t for the award wining acting) this might be for you.

If you really enjoy a well done horror comedy like me, then just watch Tucker and Dale VS Evil for the millionth time and do yourself a favor.

-Nate

Voidwalker Entertainment

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Nathan Smith

5'11" Male w/ hazle eyes Looking for open minded, pizza loving companion with cats. Likes: Long walks off short piers and yelling out car windows at locals. Perks: +2 Agility +5 Taco eating +9 Dissapointing your parents in your life choice of knowing me. Dislikes: Searching for the remote, finding the remote but missing one battery and at last finding the remote with both batterys but missing battery cover so you have to use a old piece of tape that eventually falls off and leaves your hand sticky from the residue it left behind. #givehertheDoomblade ASL?

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