Schlock du Jour: Haiku Reviews

It’s that time again!

I have culminated from my miscellaneous notes an all new edition of Haiku Reviews, that will hopefully make up for my recent neglect. Included in this entry are:
Day of the Reaper
Devotion
All Strippers Must die
American Guinea Pig: Sacrifice
Devil’s Weekend
Spoiler, I only really loved one of them.
And stay tuned as November is renamed SOVember. Coming soon. Without further ado, haiku.

Day of the Reaper (1984)

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Halloween(2018) Reel Review

Happy Halloween, Slicers.

Mark Kelly here and I’m back with a Reel Review of Halloween(2018). Having enjoyed the Halloween franchise over the past 40 years I was beyond excited hearing about this new installment. Taking place directly after the events of Halloween(1978) this movie opts to forgo the lore built over the years. Although I have enjoyed the previous films it was nice to see some new life breathed into the franchise. So, without further ado, onto the Reel Review of Halloween(2018).

It’s been 40 years since the murder of 4 people occurred in Haddonfield, IL on Halloween. That night the serial killer Micheal Myers was apprehended and has been held in Smith’s Grove Sanitarium ever since. Even though Micheal is in captivity this has provided little comfort for Laurie Strode. That night two of her best friends were murdered. Over the years she has become increasingly paranoid and has developed Agoraphobia. Although this has affected her family and friends it has also made her prepared for if Micheal ever escapes again. Continue reading “Halloween(2018) Reel Review”

A Slice of Fright – Mini Reel Reviews (Pt 1)

Sup, Slicers?

Mark Kelly here– I wasn’t able to attend the festival in person, so I’ve decided to write mini REEL REVIEWS of each film featured at A SLICE OF FRIGHT FILM FESTIVAL.

On Saturday the 13th, at The State Theatre in Bay City, MI, CinemaSlice hosted the first ever, A Slice of Fright Film Festival. Dedicated to the mad and macabre side of storytelling, A Slice of Fright Film Festival consisted of films ranging from the truly disturbing to the darkly hilarious. So strap in because we are coming at you with mini Reel Reviews of all the selections that were shown at the Fest.

ACNE

directed by: Arturo Uspango

A woman (Ashley Daniello) stands in front of her bathroom mirror fretting over her complexion. We soon find out the disturbing places she will go in order to fix her acne problem.

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Hell’s Half Mile 2018 – Day 2 & 3

What’s up, Slicers!

Mark Kelly here and I’m back with more Reel Reviews from the 13th annual Hells Half Mile in Bay City, MI.

The films we are looking at today were screened during the 2 and 3 days of the festival. They are selections that I felt ranged from challenging and thought provoking– to extremely fun and thrilling. We’ll start off first with “First Reformed”.

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Schlock du Jour: Lunch Meat (1987)

directed by Kirk Alex
runtime: 88 mins

A review for Lunch Meat is a review for us all. I’m sure my insights here will echo those of everysoul fortunate enough to have ridden the unshakable homegrown fiend of a ride that is Lunch Meat. Watching it seems to synchronize the viewer into some larger, undefined headcheese consciousness. And with a movie named after cold cuts, would you expect anything less than the completely strange?

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The movie begins with a false sense of security. Entitled yuppie teens call eachother scab and fungus as they drive towards a cabin they’ll never reach. It all feels familiar. Someone likes someone and that person likes someone else. Someone forgot the lunch meat, and someone forgot the gas, so the jeep gets pushed to the nearest watering hole. The jeep finds a drink and the teens find a bite to eat. It’s evident that those aren’t any ordinary burgers and they grimace and chew. Grimace and chew. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Lunch Meat (1987)”

“Coco” – Reel Review

We see a woman, who leads a simple life, going through her daily activities. We see that she lives by herself in a small apartment and also works at her job as a waitress at a local restaurant.

In “Coco”, a horror film written and directed by Neil Boultby, the viewer is lulled into a false sense of security as we see this woman (Natalia Kaverznikova) go through her day to day, only to find out everything isn’t as it seems. A dark past is slowly unveiled and we find out that an evil presence is following this woman, a presence that intends to destroy everything and everyone she comes into contact with.

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Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

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A Slice of Fright – “Love Sick” Comic Book

Sup Slicers!?

CinemaSlice.com is proud to announce our third ever COMIC BOOK RELEASE!! This comic book is part of a short run of digital comic books based on our horror anthology series, A Slice of Fright (or in shorthand: SoF), and produced by Marvin Maddicks, Jr of Night Mistful Comics

This third installment is from the short film, Love Sick, written, shot, and directed by Nic White, starring Ian Squintz and Stephanie Fiest.

Marvin’s unique art-style lends itself to the bizarre story of Love Sick —

and we look forward to further collaborations to come!

Without further ado, we present to you, the CinemaSlice comic book: Love Sick!

Click here to download the free PDF!

And check out the full episode below:

Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)

directed by Dave Jackson
runtime: 101 mins
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There has never really been a moment in my life that I didn’t at least live with a cat. When I was born, my parents already had a half-persian named Yo-Yo. I moved in with my cousins and they had Simba and Dinkers. Then there was Sabrina, Koko, Maxx, London, Cosmo, Eevee, Yuna, Bowser, and finally Bowie and Raimi. I think it’s safe to say I like cats. Still with me?
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This is Bowie. Note how handsome he is.
Dog people tend to be more extroverted and have more friends. Cat people are more likely to be introverts. I’m generalizing, and also pulling this 100% out of my ass, but it sounds good! So I’m definitely lacking in the friends department because of my affinity for cats, and not because I invite people over to watch a movie where a man dresses up as a cat, uses a litterbox, and wears a giant, barbed, cat cock dildo while he murders women.
Ted is a catperson. One word.
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Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)

directed by Richard Friedman

runtime: 77 mins

A Playboy playmate, a Penthouse pet, a man named mom…
This isn’t a riddle, it’s Doom Asylum! Welcome!
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I wonder if they practice safe sex.
I hope you enjoy your stay. While you’re here, make sure to enjoy the whole host of cartoon characters. From yuppie alimony attorneys, to hungover coroners, to all chick noisewave bands (they play the local sewers!), Doom Asylum kicks you in the crotch, spits in your mouth, and then tickles you and takes your laughing as affirmation of enjoyment. Never mind the steady stream of sadness pooling at your feet.
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Wanna date? Looking for some action? Need some company? Got any money?

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