Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

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A Slice of Fright – “Love Sick” Comic Book

Sup Slicers!?

CinemaSlice.com is proud to announce our third ever COMIC BOOK RELEASE!! This comic book is part of a short run of digital comic books based on our horror anthology series, A Slice of Fright (or in shorthand: SoF), and produced by Marvin Maddicks, Jr of Night Mistful Comics

This third installment is from the short film, Love Sick, written, shot, and directed by Nic White, starring Ian Squintz and Stephanie Fiest.

Marvin’s unique art-style lends itself to the bizarre story of Love Sick —

and we look forward to further collaborations to come!

Without further ado, we present to you, the CinemaSlice comic book: Love Sick!

Click here to download the free PDF!

And check out the full episode below:

Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)

directed by Dave Jackson
runtime: 101 mins
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There has never really been a moment in my life that I didn’t at least live with a cat. When I was born, my parents already had a half-persian named Yo-Yo. I moved in with my cousins and they had Simba and Dinkers. Then there was Sabrina, Koko, Maxx, London, Cosmo, Eevee, Yuna, Bowser, and finally Bowie and Raimi. I think it’s safe to say I like cats. Still with me?
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This is Bowie. Note how handsome he is.
Dog people tend to be more extroverted and have more friends. Cat people are more likely to be introverts. I’m generalizing, and also pulling this 100% out of my ass, but it sounds good! So I’m definitely lacking in the friends department because of my affinity for cats, and not because I invite people over to watch a movie where a man dresses up as a cat, uses a litterbox, and wears a giant, barbed, cat cock dildo while he murders women.
Ted is a catperson. One word.
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Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)”

Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)

directed by Richard Friedman

runtime: 77 mins

A Playboy playmate, a Penthouse pet, a man named mom…
This isn’t a riddle, it’s Doom Asylum! Welcome!
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I wonder if they practice safe sex.
I hope you enjoy your stay. While you’re here, make sure to enjoy the whole host of cartoon characters. From yuppie alimony attorneys, to hungover coroners, to all chick noisewave bands (they play the local sewers!), Doom Asylum kicks you in the crotch, spits in your mouth, and then tickles you and takes your laughing as affirmation of enjoyment. Never mind the steady stream of sadness pooling at your feet.
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Wanna date? Looking for some action? Need some company? Got any money?

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Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)

directed by Dmitry Chmelyov

runtime: 62 mins

Toxic Filth Video

This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®

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When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?

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It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.

Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”

Schlock du Jour: The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

directed by Jim Wynorski
runtime: 88 glorious mins
MVD Rewind Collection spine #5

DISCLAIMER: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS NERDY AND INAPPROPRIATE SHIT.

From director Jim Wynorski, Heather Locklear’s Boobs AKA The Return of Swamp Thing
I saw Avengers: Infinity War against my better judgement. I knew I was done with the modern superhero yarn and I got absolutely nothing out of it. It was big, it was busy, it was SAME-Y. In other words, it was being stuck in traffic on the way to work on Monday morning. The good vs evil dynamic that seems to drive everything isn’t of much interest to me, and when it comes to superhero films, that angle is obviously amplified. For that reason, you won’t find me reviewing superhero films very often…
Enter The Return of Swamp Thing. Based on characters from the DC comic where Swamp Thing is basically Captain Planet without the kids and rings. there are also things like the Rotworld story-line, wherein Swamp Thing—as an avatar of “The Green”, and Animal Man—as an avatar of “The Red”, are tasked by The Parliament of Trees and The Parliament of Limbs, respectively, to team up to defeat Dr. Anton Arcane and “The Rot”. It’s trippy and nightmarish, Lovecraftian even, as it features animals and humans being turned inside out. It is good. Most importantly it feels more like a horror story than a superhero one.

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But Goddamn, do I ever digress…
Point being, I view Swamp Thing in a different light, as in my experience he’s portrayed as less of a hero and more of a pile of vegetable matter that just happens to be an elemental entity of balance. That entire point is moot however, since we are talking about Wynorski’s The Return of Swamp Thing.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)”

Schlock Du Jour: Road Meat (1988)

directed by Bill Bragg

runtime: 70 min

“Would you like cheese with that?”
“Just the coffees, thanks.”
Being an incompetent drive-through attendant gets you killed. So does being a loquacious hitchhiker, a loutish litterbug, and a radical religious zealot.
Honeymooners Nick and Vick are having none of it as they exit a church to operatic Cascio rock that brings to mind the rise of power of the iron fist in an Orwellian futurescape. While dystopia isn’t on the menu for Road Meat, that doesn’t stop the honeymooners from running over a fat man in their “Just Married” mobile and turning him into, well, you guessed it…
They pick up a claw-handed, alien-jabbering hitchhiker. Slamming on their brakes his claw goes into his own face, killing him. The honeymooners bury him, crack jokes, and play in the wilderness. Think Natural Born Killers, except you won’t want to slit your wrists afterwards. Or like a Bonnie and Clyde adaptation as imagined by Charles Band or the Chiodo brothers. Maybe it’s morbid to laugh at death, but for my meat, it’s all good in the catharsis of fiction.
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I left the stove on (my face) again!

Continue reading “Schlock Du Jour: Road Meat (1988)”

Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!

Hello, all! My name is ReelRat, or just simply “Rat”, and I’m thrilled to be the newest contributor to CINEMASLICE.

I will be your resident schlock and extreme horror expert, and I will provide your eyes with reviews of the sort you have likely never seen before in an all new column entitled “Schlock Du Jour!” I was asked to introduce myself to you all, so I asked myself, “What is the most ‘Rat’ way to do this?” And I came up with a solution…

See, last year I interviewed myself in some sorta self-servicing bullshit, with the hopes that it would fend off a midlife crisis as I turned 30. I figured I’d pry inward to find out if introspection was the best medicine. That interview went unpublished, but I have updated my answers and added a couple new questions so you may best get to know me. I offer that to you now in the hopes that you will accept me.

Love me

Rat on Rat:

To begin, let’s start at the end. By that I mean let’s talk about your sign-off. You end each review the same way. “Stay slime, and be rad at all times.” What exactly does that mean?

So, my sign-off is both a motto and an aesthetic. It’s basically like that famous line from Bill & Ted: “Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!” It’s a beacon of positivity. Stay slime = stay cool. Radness goes beyond coolness in my definition as it encompasses much more, including an emphasis on kindness.

Why do you go by “Rat”

This actually goes back to the last question. Rat is a simplified version of the acronym for “rad at all times”. I’ve adopted that name within many circles as a reminder to be the embodiment of my motto. I want to make an impression, but also spread positivity. In addition, it’s a nice scummy, sleazy name. Across the internet you’ll find things authored by me under the names Rat, Reel Rat, Rat Ross, Elliot Ross, Elliot Ian Ross, and even Elliot “Reel Rat” Ross. I’ve been thinking of dropping the whole “Rat” moniker, but I don’t know yet.

Aww, but I like it! Your weekly column for The Basement on a Hill is “Schlock & Gore”, which you’ve been writing now for over 40 weeks. Could you tell us a bit about that?

45 weeks, actually! Schlock & Gore is my baby. When I was asked to write for The Basement, my mind immediately went to a review column. But with all of the review columns out there, why would anyone give one, let alone two shits about mine? The wheels spun a hair longer and I decided that I would lean hard into my niche specialty of weird, obscure, low-budget, and extreme films. I am thrilled to now be writing for CINEMASLICE as well. My column here will be called Schlock Du Jour!

Continue reading “Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!”

5. The Devil’s Candy (Movie Review)

The Devil’s Candy (86%Netflix Match)

Netflix Description: A struggling painter moves his family into a house with a horrific past and soon finds himself being artistically inspired by demonic forces.

Review:

As soon as I saw IFC Midnight scroll across the screen I immediately knew I was in for a ride. IFC either has really bad movies, really good hidden gems or movies that make you question your moral standings just for watching them lol. Thankfully The Devil’s Candy is one of those gems you never thought you would uncover, but you do. This film shows us the reality of true evil which is man.

Lets start off with the acting on this one. Not a single poor performance across the board. I love it when I can watch a movie and feel like i’m getting to peer into this other dimension into peoples lives. That is exactly what a film should be. When you can tell someone is acting it ruins the whole thing, it breaks your concentration. This movie pulled me in from start to finish and left me on the edge of my seat.

Pruitt Taylor Vince plays such a damn good killer/mental patient that it makes you fear you never see his character in real life. I assumed this movie was going to be some typical black contact wearing, people flying across the room jump fest and it wasn’t. He can get that look in his eyes where he looks like he his off in his own world and it sells his character even more. That disconnect he can do is amazing.

I didn’t realize it at first but at the end I saw Ethan Embry as almost like this Christ like figure. Not sure if they meant him to seem that way or not but it came off to me like he was. He was rocking that medium long hair with the short beard defeating the evil that was Vince. I would really love to talk the writers on this one and pick their brain. The same look goes for most metal dudes though so maybe it’s just me reaching for more than it’s worth. Continue reading “5. The Devil’s Candy (Movie Review)”

4. XX (Movie Review)

XX (90% Netflix Match)

Netflix Description: This four-part anthology of short horror films features stories that include some traditional themes but all are shown from a female point of view.

Review: Right away we see that this movie has broken off from our Netflix suggested trend of ghost/demon movies. Why doesn’t this one fit with the Netflix algorithm we have been seeing (refer back to first article of this series to get filled in)? Well good reader I can tell you exactly why.

This is a Magnet Releasing movie. No matter how many bad movies I dive into, no matter how many times I share my account password and friends ruin my suggested list, Magnet will always be there. That is because not a single Magnet movie I have watched on Netflix has received anything less than a 4 star rating from me or a thumbs down if we are talking the new rating system. They will always be the highest rated suggestion on Netflix for me. Simply put without going total fan boy right now, THEY ONLY RELEASE GOOD MOVIES! Oh yes there will be a whole article series just for their films coming up, don’t you worry. Until then lets start breaking this movie down.

This movie is split up into 4 short films which are all shown from a female point of view and are all directed by women. I would say there is actually 5 films in this because of the intro and its continuation as a transition piece between films. Not sure if that is actual considered “XX” or if it had a name at all, but it was one of the coolest stop motion animations I have seen in a long time. As far as the short films go they span the full spectrum of horror, Lets look at the first!

Continue reading “4. XX (Movie Review)”