Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2”

Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)

directed by Dmitry Chmelyov

runtime: 62 mins

Toxic Filth Video

This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®

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When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?

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It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.

Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”

Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!

Hello, all! My name is ReelRat, or just simply “Rat”, and I’m thrilled to be the newest contributor to CINEMASLICE.

I will be your resident schlock and extreme horror expert, and I will provide your eyes with reviews of the sort you have likely never seen before in an all new column entitled “Schlock Du Jour!” I was asked to introduce myself to you all, so I asked myself, “What is the most ‘Rat’ way to do this?” And I came up with a solution…

See, last year I interviewed myself in some sorta self-servicing bullshit, with the hopes that it would fend off a midlife crisis as I turned 30. I figured I’d pry inward to find out if introspection was the best medicine. That interview went unpublished, but I have updated my answers and added a couple new questions so you may best get to know me. I offer that to you now in the hopes that you will accept me.

Love me

Rat on Rat:

To begin, let’s start at the end. By that I mean let’s talk about your sign-off. You end each review the same way. “Stay slime, and be rad at all times.” What exactly does that mean?

So, my sign-off is both a motto and an aesthetic. It’s basically like that famous line from Bill & Ted: “Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!” It’s a beacon of positivity. Stay slime = stay cool. Radness goes beyond coolness in my definition as it encompasses much more, including an emphasis on kindness.

Why do you go by “Rat”

This actually goes back to the last question. Rat is a simplified version of the acronym for “rad at all times”. I’ve adopted that name within many circles as a reminder to be the embodiment of my motto. I want to make an impression, but also spread positivity. In addition, it’s a nice scummy, sleazy name. Across the internet you’ll find things authored by me under the names Rat, Reel Rat, Rat Ross, Elliot Ross, Elliot Ian Ross, and even Elliot “Reel Rat” Ross. I’ve been thinking of dropping the whole “Rat” moniker, but I don’t know yet.

Aww, but I like it! Your weekly column for The Basement on a Hill is “Schlock & Gore”, which you’ve been writing now for over 40 weeks. Could you tell us a bit about that?

45 weeks, actually! Schlock & Gore is my baby. When I was asked to write for The Basement, my mind immediately went to a review column. But with all of the review columns out there, why would anyone give one, let alone two shits about mine? The wheels spun a hair longer and I decided that I would lean hard into my niche specialty of weird, obscure, low-budget, and extreme films. I am thrilled to now be writing for CINEMASLICE as well. My column here will be called Schlock Du Jour!

Continue reading “Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!”

FIREPOWER (2002) – 15 Year Anniversary

This is an ambitious Sci-Fi short film (about 29 minutes) by Hatz Off Filmz (Nic White), a 13 Dead Eskimos production.

Note: though apparently filmed in a 4:3 aspect ratio, the version I watched has the sides ‘padded’ to a widescreen size. I personally don’t like when videos are presented in that manner, finding it distracting. I feel it’d be better if the sides were blacked out (a letterbox style).

Right from the get-go (following a few seconds of silence, with an image of the number “13” – I’m assuming the logo of 13 Dead Eskimos productions), the driving music (Metal version of Ring of Fire) and unique display of credits (I really love how they ‘arrive’ onscreen from various directions, rather that the standard, boring scroll, fade-in/out, etc. of many films) already succeeds in grabbing attention.

Two friends (Nic and Joe) are heading home from a camping trip. They notice something that’s been ejected by a spacecraft – a green meteor – and take it home.

“Dude! We found it!”

Continue reading “FIREPOWER (2002) – 15 Year Anniversary”

5. The Devil’s Candy (Movie Review)

The Devil’s Candy (86%Netflix Match)

Netflix Description: A struggling painter moves his family into a house with a horrific past and soon finds himself being artistically inspired by demonic forces.

Review:

As soon as I saw IFC Midnight scroll across the screen I immediately knew I was in for a ride. IFC either has really bad movies, really good hidden gems or movies that make you question your moral standings just for watching them lol. Thankfully The Devil’s Candy is one of those gems you never thought you would uncover, but you do. This film shows us the reality of true evil which is man.

Lets start off with the acting on this one. Not a single poor performance across the board. I love it when I can watch a movie and feel like i’m getting to peer into this other dimension into peoples lives. That is exactly what a film should be. When you can tell someone is acting it ruins the whole thing, it breaks your concentration. This movie pulled me in from start to finish and left me on the edge of my seat.

Pruitt Taylor Vince plays such a damn good killer/mental patient that it makes you fear you never see his character in real life. I assumed this movie was going to be some typical black contact wearing, people flying across the room jump fest and it wasn’t. He can get that look in his eyes where he looks like he his off in his own world and it sells his character even more. That disconnect he can do is amazing.

I didn’t realize it at first but at the end I saw Ethan Embry as almost like this Christ like figure. Not sure if they meant him to seem that way or not but it came off to me like he was. He was rocking that medium long hair with the short beard defeating the evil that was Vince. I would really love to talk the writers on this one and pick their brain. The same look goes for most metal dudes though so maybe it’s just me reaching for more than it’s worth. Continue reading “5. The Devil’s Candy (Movie Review)”

4. XX (Movie Review)

XX (90% Netflix Match)

Netflix Description: This four-part anthology of short horror films features stories that include some traditional themes but all are shown from a female point of view.

Review: Right away we see that this movie has broken off from our Netflix suggested trend of ghost/demon movies. Why doesn’t this one fit with the Netflix algorithm we have been seeing (refer back to first article of this series to get filled in)? Well good reader I can tell you exactly why.

This is a Magnet Releasing movie. No matter how many bad movies I dive into, no matter how many times I share my account password and friends ruin my suggested list, Magnet will always be there. That is because not a single Magnet movie I have watched on Netflix has received anything less than a 4 star rating from me or a thumbs down if we are talking the new rating system. They will always be the highest rated suggestion on Netflix for me. Simply put without going total fan boy right now, THEY ONLY RELEASE GOOD MOVIES! Oh yes there will be a whole article series just for their films coming up, don’t you worry. Until then lets start breaking this movie down.

This movie is split up into 4 short films which are all shown from a female point of view and are all directed by women. I would say there is actually 5 films in this because of the intro and its continuation as a transition piece between films. Not sure if that is actual considered “XX” or if it had a name at all, but it was one of the coolest stop motion animations I have seen in a long time. As far as the short films go they span the full spectrum of horror, Lets look at the first!

Continue reading “4. XX (Movie Review)”

HHM 2017 – Day 1

Time to begin the Hell’s Half Mile with the opening film of the fest, a dramatic murder mystery that may be a good movie hidden amongst some glaring issues.

The Scent of Rain and Lightning” tells the tale of Jody, a woman dealing with the death of her parents as a child. We soon find out that the man convicted of the crime, Billy, is being released from prison on a technicality. It’s then that things begin to unravel in the small rural community and secrets are revealed that may prove the wrong man was sent to prison.

Continue reading “HHM 2017 – Day 1”

3. Demonic (Movie Review)

Demonic (96% Netflix Match)

Netflix Description: When amateur ghost hunters visit an abandoned house, their investigation turns into a massacre, leaving questions for a detective and a psychologist.

Review: I hate to keep rating these movies so low but I mean come on. Snooze fest after snooze fest. No literally, I fell asleep during this movie and had to start over where I left off at a later time. When you watch a movie it shouldn’t feel like work and that’s exactly what it felt like to watch this.

Lets start with the characters. Not a single one stood out to me. I usually like fresh actors in movies instead of stars we’ve seen time and again. With the exception to movies like this. You could have went to any college campus anywhere and picked random, generic people to be in this and that’s exactly what this cast felt like. “Hey kid, do you want to be in a movie, cuz now you’re in a movie!” The only character I felt anything for, and don’t ask me why was Jenkins played by Terence Rosemore. He just seemed like one of those guys you really hoped nothing would happened to in the movie because he looked like a genuine guy. That’s just me though, I like interesting characters. As my mom always says, “If everyone in the world was the same, it would be a really boring place” and that is what most of this cast makes… a very boring movie. Continue reading “3. Demonic (Movie Review)”

2. House on Willow Street (Movie Review)

House on Willow Street (98% Netflix Match)

 

Netflix Description: A group of desperate kidnappers learn the hard way that their captive isn’t just another damsel in distress… She’s a demon.

Review

Have to be honest with this, I don’t recognize a single actor in this one. I see that a few have played in some bigger movies recently like Robocop and Step Up 3D but I haven’t seen either to be able to fully judge on these actors skills. The actor that stood out the most to me didn’t even get the spotlight and that was Gustav Gerdener who played James. Gustav seemed like a natural and did a hell of a job at acting possessed. Hopefully he will get picked up for some bigger roles in the future!

Now on to the camera work which is something I usually do not touch on. For not being a blockbuster hit, the camera work was on par and looked very fluid. I especially liked the scenes that required the camera to follow the actors. There was just enough stability to make it not “shaky cam” but still give it enough bounce to make the camera seem natural. To which I give the team props. Continue reading “2. House on Willow Street (Movie Review)”

It Begins… 1. The Black Room (Movie Review)

Two years ago I found myself steering towards horror movies with spirits or demons in them. It all started with me forcing myself to watch all of the Paranormal Activity movies in order. Paranormal Activity is one of those series you absolutely love, or you hate every last second of. The only middle ground being the first movie maybe the first time we all watched it. It was a challenge for me to say the least as i’m not a big fan of P.O.V./Found Footage movies. Anyways after finishing them I found myself wanting more movies with the same theme so I steered towards Netflix and burned through every ghost/spirit/demon movie I could find. This left my account thinking that these types of movies were literally the only type of horror movie I wanted to watch. It still affects my account suggestions to this day.

This brings us back to the Netflix algorithm and the reviews I’m about to give of my most suggested movies by them. You will start to see a trend in how all of the movies have the same theme. Well, that’s because of two years ago. When I do my reviews I make it a goal to do absolutely no research on what I’m about to watch. It gives a more honest review and I take notes of exactly what goes through my head when it happens. I thought it would be fun to show you exactly what I was thinking by taking notes of it and writing it down for you in a section I will title, “play by play”. This is the beginning. My top 5 suggested horror movies by Netflix.

1. The Black Room (75% Netflix Match)

Netflix description: A couples new dream home morphs into a nightmare after they learn that an evil and lustful spirit resides in thier basement.

Review: Continue reading “It Begins… 1. The Black Room (Movie Review)”