Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2”

Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)

directed by Dave Jackson
runtime: 101 mins
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There has never really been a moment in my life that I didn’t at least live with a cat. When I was born, my parents already had a half-persian named Yo-Yo. I moved in with my cousins and they had Simba and Dinkers. Then there was Sabrina, Koko, Maxx, London, Cosmo, Eevee, Yuna, Bowser, and finally Bowie and Raimi. I think it’s safe to say I like cats. Still with me?
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This is Bowie. Note how handsome he is.
Dog people tend to be more extroverted and have more friends. Cat people are more likely to be introverts. I’m generalizing, and also pulling this 100% out of my ass, but it sounds good! So I’m definitely lacking in the friends department because of my affinity for cats, and not because I invite people over to watch a movie where a man dresses up as a cat, uses a litterbox, and wears a giant, barbed, cat cock dildo while he murders women.
Ted is a catperson. One word.
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Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)”

Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)

directed by Dmitry Chmelyov

runtime: 62 mins

Toxic Filth Video

This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®

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When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?

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It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.

Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”

Expected NonSense – “Deadpool 2”

Howdy folks, your friendly neighborhood momo Pete Floyd with you as always. Up this time around, I’m giving you the skinny on Deadpool 2.

Well gang, it’s pretty rare that a sequel can out do the original.

In fact, it’s so rare that it hardly ever happens. At least follow-ups anyway. Occasionally further into a series, a sequel can compare favorably to the original. However, that’s often not the case.

Not here folks. Deadpool 2, dare I say, is better than the original. The humor, over-the-top gore and all around silliness that made the first film so much fun is back, but without the downfall of repetition.

Obviously not one for the kids, Deadpool 2 is at your throat constantly with foul language, violence and a silly plot. All of which you’ve come to expect from this franchise. And of course the hammy acting you expect to come across in a comic book movie. All things that are easily forgivable.

I’ll be the first to admit that when Reynolds was cast in the role again after the disaster that was X-MEN Origins: Wolverine, I was upset. Physically. But the first film was a fitting adaptation no matter what anyone says. And so I got over it quickly.

Most of the original cast returns, which is worth noting because they play their parts well. However, Marvel has a new golden boy: Josh Brolin.

His portrayl of Thanos in Infinity War was above criticism. And here, in an awesome bit of casting, he brings to life Cable.

If you don’t know who Cable is, go and do your homework folks. It’s worth looking into.

Continue reading “Expected NonSense – “Deadpool 2””

Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!

Hello, all! My name is ReelRat, or just simply “Rat”, and I’m thrilled to be the newest contributor to CINEMASLICE.

I will be your resident schlock and extreme horror expert, and I will provide your eyes with reviews of the sort you have likely never seen before in an all new column entitled “Schlock Du Jour!” I was asked to introduce myself to you all, so I asked myself, “What is the most ‘Rat’ way to do this?” And I came up with a solution…

See, last year I interviewed myself in some sorta self-servicing bullshit, with the hopes that it would fend off a midlife crisis as I turned 30. I figured I’d pry inward to find out if introspection was the best medicine. That interview went unpublished, but I have updated my answers and added a couple new questions so you may best get to know me. I offer that to you now in the hopes that you will accept me.

Love me

Rat on Rat:

To begin, let’s start at the end. By that I mean let’s talk about your sign-off. You end each review the same way. “Stay slime, and be rad at all times.” What exactly does that mean?

So, my sign-off is both a motto and an aesthetic. It’s basically like that famous line from Bill & Ted: “Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!” It’s a beacon of positivity. Stay slime = stay cool. Radness goes beyond coolness in my definition as it encompasses much more, including an emphasis on kindness.

Why do you go by “Rat”

This actually goes back to the last question. Rat is a simplified version of the acronym for “rad at all times”. I’ve adopted that name within many circles as a reminder to be the embodiment of my motto. I want to make an impression, but also spread positivity. In addition, it’s a nice scummy, sleazy name. Across the internet you’ll find things authored by me under the names Rat, Reel Rat, Rat Ross, Elliot Ross, Elliot Ian Ross, and even Elliot “Reel Rat” Ross. I’ve been thinking of dropping the whole “Rat” moniker, but I don’t know yet.

Aww, but I like it! Your weekly column for The Basement on a Hill is “Schlock & Gore”, which you’ve been writing now for over 40 weeks. Could you tell us a bit about that?

45 weeks, actually! Schlock & Gore is my baby. When I was asked to write for The Basement, my mind immediately went to a review column. But with all of the review columns out there, why would anyone give one, let alone two shits about mine? The wheels spun a hair longer and I decided that I would lean hard into my niche specialty of weird, obscure, low-budget, and extreme films. I am thrilled to now be writing for CINEMASLICE as well. My column here will be called Schlock Du Jour!

Continue reading “Say Shalom to Schlock Du Jour!”

The VHS Review Show – Michael Edition

Hello ‘Slicers. It’s Michael Welborn here. I’m addicted to VHS tapes. It’s something about the way the it feels in my hand as I slide the sleeve from the tape— It’s the way an old tape smells– It’s the vintage design style of the campiest films and videos I can find– and most importantly, it’s the nostalgia of the electricity in the air and the bleeding desaturated colors, flickering with distortion.

There’s just something about the VHS aesthetic that I can’t resist.

Continue reading “The VHS Review Show – Michael Edition”

HHM 2017 – Day 3

Documentary Day

Stigmatic: Our Opioid Crisis


In Bay City and Saginaw the number of people addicted to opioids has raised to a point where it is now affecting not just the individual but also their family members and the community in which they live. In Stigmatic we look at the details of this problem through interviews with recovering addicts, affected family/community members, and city officials as they discus how we can come together and solve this problem.
This film was great for a number of reasons but I think the most important is that they look at all sides of this issue. I happen to think that people make mistakes and, depending on the severity of these mistakes, people deserve chances to be able to fix the mistakes made. We also see the other side and look at the logistics of providing rehab programs, if they are financially feasible and whether or not they are truly affective. Looking at the multiple sides of this complex issue is what makes this documentary a great bit of filmmaking.

 

For Flint


This documentary follows the lives of an artist, an educator, and a reformed drug dealer living in the infamous Flint, MI.
This was by no means a bad documentary. I enjoyed it but also thought it could have been so much more. We connect with each of the characters by observing their day to day activities and how they cope in a city with a high crime rate and ongoing water crisis. This is where the film excels. I guess I was hoping for a little more information about the actual problems that affect the city. Continue reading “HHM 2017 – Day 3”

The CinemaSlice “Reel” Rating System

CinemaSlice has decided to consolidate our rating system.

The CinemaSlice Reel Rating System is a 6-point scoring metric. The purpose of our new system is to get all contributors aligned on the same page, so to speak. That is to say, we, the collective contributors of CinemaSlice.com, are resolved to all use a single unified rating system when writing reviews! And, we don’t use half reels– cuz thats a cop-out!

Check out the simple break-down below:

6 – Reels 
Highest recommendation. A full boat! A perfect score! STOP WASTING YOUR TIME READING THIS ARTICLE, AND GO SEE THIS FILM, NOW!

5 – Reels 
Strong Recommendation. Highly recommend this one! Not quite the alpha, but definitely the right hand man. SKIP THE ‘WATCH LATER’ LIST, AND CHECK IT OUT TONIGHT! Continue reading “The CinemaSlice “Reel” Rating System”