Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2

directed by Anthony Cooney
runtime 60 mins

A beloved pastime of horror fans is talking about how many “Massacre” films there are. From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to Alien Beach Party Massacre, and pretty much anything you can fathom in between (I’ve yet to see a Purple Weasel Massacre, but I’m sure it’s in production). So when I heard there was a film called Leaf Blower Massacre, I was as surprised as I was to find out Roman Reigns is facing Brock Lesnar at Summerslam for the Universal Championship. That is to say, not at all.

Leaf Blower Massacre is a 2013 short approximately 12 minutes in length. In it, we are introduced to a killer that is a dead ringer for the nail gun killer in Nail Gun Massacre, except instead of a high-velocity carpentry tool, the killer is wielding none other than the eponymous leaf blower. The fact that the weapon needs an outlet to work is a funny way to poke fun at the killer’s weapon trope. This short is all in good fun, even if it does seem to get confused about what it actually is, much in the way the WWE creative team is confused about the character of Roman Reigns. What would have been more compelling is if our 12 minutes of attention were met with a relentless onslaught of killing randos in clever ways with a leaf blower. But I’m projecting.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Leaf Blower Massacre 2”

Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)

directed by Dave Jackson
runtime: 101 mins
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There has never really been a moment in my life that I didn’t at least live with a cat. When I was born, my parents already had a half-persian named Yo-Yo. I moved in with my cousins and they had Simba and Dinkers. Then there was Sabrina, Koko, Maxx, London, Cosmo, Eevee, Yuna, Bowser, and finally Bowie and Raimi. I think it’s safe to say I like cats. Still with me?
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This is Bowie. Note how handsome he is.
Dog people tend to be more extroverted and have more friends. Cat people are more likely to be introverts. I’m generalizing, and also pulling this 100% out of my ass, but it sounds good! So I’m definitely lacking in the friends department because of my affinity for cats, and not because I invite people over to watch a movie where a man dresses up as a cat, uses a litterbox, and wears a giant, barbed, cat cock dildo while he murders women.
Ted is a catperson. One word.
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Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Cat Sick Blues (2016)”

Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)

directed by Richard Friedman

runtime: 77 mins

A Playboy playmate, a Penthouse pet, a man named mom…
This isn’t a riddle, it’s Doom Asylum! Welcome!
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I wonder if they practice safe sex.
I hope you enjoy your stay. While you’re here, make sure to enjoy the whole host of cartoon characters. From yuppie alimony attorneys, to hungover coroners, to all chick noisewave bands (they play the local sewers!), Doom Asylum kicks you in the crotch, spits in your mouth, and then tickles you and takes your laughing as affirmation of enjoyment. Never mind the steady stream of sadness pooling at your feet.
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Wanna date? Looking for some action? Need some company? Got any money?

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Doom Asylum (1987)”

Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)

directed by Dmitry Chmelyov

runtime: 62 mins

Toxic Filth Video

This review is sponsored by the Illuminati®

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When I was a kid, I had an impressive collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I would make them perform impossible feats, and they were never truly in danger of the bad guys. They would just punch their stupid faces in after performing some ridiculous quadruple flip pile-driver on Pizzaface or Sergeant Bananas or Rocksteady. What does any of this have to do with Alien Nightmare X?

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It’s the year 2025. Comrades Alex and Victor have just returned from the Illuminati’s own planet, planet Silius. Now they are looking a ravaged Earth in the eye-sockets. Not much is left after the alien invasion. They team with a warrior that goes only by “The Possessed,” and fight to survive the attacks of the alien humanoids and spiders.

Sure there are a few fundamentals that get ignored completely, but this is a GOOD independent film. Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: Alien Nightmare X (2018)”

Schlock Du Jour: Trashcans of Terror (1985)

directed by Chuck Handy
runtime: 72 mins

Deep within the annals of YouTube, there is a particular catacomb that when properly navigated grants access to a SOV sci-fi/horror flick that breathes like a sleeping dragon. Its scales of recycled footage and claws of bad tracking primed to unleash a blaze of rambling voiceovers, pulled punches, and regional wit. That dragon is Trashcans of Terror.

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A chance meeting between our hero, a man named “Spider” (director Handy), and a disoriented powerlifter named Kathy, begets romance after some light dad-humor flirtation. When Kathy gets angry she turns silver and becomes stronger than an ox on the juice. This is explained later, kinda.  After a health bar brawl resulting in $37,500 worth of damage (even though said brawl took place in the alleyway), our two heroes run for it. Kathy goes missing and Spider somehow determines that alien trashcans are to blame. It is never explained how he comes to this conclusion. He simply does, and relays this information to us with the same enthusiasm one would use when telling you they had a ham sandwich for lunch. He enlists the help of his military friend, Velasquez, to help find Kathy and fight an army of trashcans.

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An “army” of trashcans.
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Oh shit, I’m surrounded!

Notably missing are any lines about “taking out the trash” or Oscar the Grouch. Continue reading “Schlock Du Jour: Trashcans of Terror (1985)”

Schlock du Jour: The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

directed by Jim Wynorski
runtime: 88 glorious mins
MVD Rewind Collection spine #5

DISCLAIMER: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS NERDY AND INAPPROPRIATE SHIT.

From director Jim Wynorski, Heather Locklear’s Boobs AKA The Return of Swamp Thing
I saw Avengers: Infinity War against my better judgement. I knew I was done with the modern superhero yarn and I got absolutely nothing out of it. It was big, it was busy, it was SAME-Y. In other words, it was being stuck in traffic on the way to work on Monday morning. The good vs evil dynamic that seems to drive everything isn’t of much interest to me, and when it comes to superhero films, that angle is obviously amplified. For that reason, you won’t find me reviewing superhero films very often…
Enter The Return of Swamp Thing. Based on characters from the DC comic where Swamp Thing is basically Captain Planet without the kids and rings. there are also things like the Rotworld story-line, wherein Swamp Thing—as an avatar of “The Green”, and Animal Man—as an avatar of “The Red”, are tasked by The Parliament of Trees and The Parliament of Limbs, respectively, to team up to defeat Dr. Anton Arcane and “The Rot”. It’s trippy and nightmarish, Lovecraftian even, as it features animals and humans being turned inside out. It is good. Most importantly it feels more like a horror story than a superhero one.

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But Goddamn, do I ever digress…
Point being, I view Swamp Thing in a different light, as in my experience he’s portrayed as less of a hero and more of a pile of vegetable matter that just happens to be an elemental entity of balance. That entire point is moot however, since we are talking about Wynorski’s The Return of Swamp Thing.

Continue reading “Schlock du Jour: The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)”